Rachel's Kitchen Nightmares

One of the great pleasures of my mom's adopted hometown, Ashland Oregon, is the restaurant reviews in the local newspaper. The area actually does have a lot of great food at all points on the spectrum, from creative-fancy American cuisine, to classic French, to great little Mexican holes-in-the-walls. The reviews, however, seem to be most concerned with the size of the portions and how they package your leftovers.

Victor kindly forwarded me the latest review, which I excerpt here:

It is early Sunday night when my dining companion and I enter the G Street Bar and Grill. The sushi chefs are making hand rolls, the aroma of french fries wafts from the kitchen — and a duo of belly dancers gyrate to hip hop music. The boom box is so loud, it reverberates in our hungry bellies.

If that aint enough to give you nightmares...it gets worse.

Between the East-West menu, the mishmash of seating and the variety of original artwork ranging from stylized murals to the nature scenes adorning each booth, this place desperately needs a cohesive makeover. The net effect is a tilt-a-whirl world reminiscent of a Baz Lurhmann film. My beau wants to head for the door. But there's something oddly appealing about the crazy jumble. It hints of culinary adventure. I want to stay.

I'm with her beau.

He graciously concedes, transfixed by the undulating bejeweled women of all shapes and ages. "This is the weirdest place we've ever been to," he says, as we slide into a ringside booth. "Might as well have a view."

Uh. I guess so. Doesnt sound like that's going to help. Trust me on this.

I suggest he order the chicken soba noodles ($7). Since he's being such a good sport, I want my soup-loving beau to order a dish he'll like.

Break up with her. Now.

But in keeping with the wacky vibe, I select the strangest item on the non-Japanese side of the menu — Halibut Foster ($15.95). The chef has morphed a fish dish into an homage to the famous dessert. My 8-ounce halibut filet will arrive covered in caramelized banana wedges and brown sugar liquor. This could be killer good.

Ok, definitely dump the cow. In case you werent paying attention, that is HALIBUT COVERED IN CARMELIZED BANANA WEDGES AND BROWN SUGAR LIQUOR. I'm pretty sure the United Nations Security Council passed a resolution at some point about a dish like that.

Her verdict on the halibut once served:

The halibut filet is smaller than expected, and has a tropical flavor due to the bananas. Its mood is very Hawaiian.

Thanks for the insight.

As an aside, I once accidentally ordered a chicken breast in a strawberry-banana sauce at a restaurant (what can I say - it was Budapest in 1993 and no English menus). When I know it might be awhile before I eat again, I sometimes think about that dish to kill my appetite.

I wont torture you with any more. But if you can believe it, she actually recommends the restaurant...and suggests you visit on belly dancing night. Might have to give that one a miss.