I know its a surprise, but I think it is time to break up. Yes, I am no longer in love with America's Next Top Model. It's not like I just figured out that whole thing is like watching a live feed of a lasik surgery: that's why I like the show! No, the mystery is gone. I've figured out all the tricks on the show and like Tyra said to the expellee this week, its like they have given up trying. So here are those evil tricks they play in case you or someone you love is ever a contestant on the show.
ANTM Rules and Regulations:
1. If Tyra asks you if you are sad, have a problem, or need help, SAY NO. She will use it against you.
2. If you describe yourself as a relatively well-adjusted person who doesnt like the "drama" in the house, you will lose. Do not admit that to anyone, especially your size 2 new BFF currently barfing in the one shared bathroom.
3. It helps if you randomly scream like a banshee every time someone says "TyraMail".
4. You have to have a backstory: were you homeless? a battered girlfriend? Mormon? All of these are acceptable and will allow you to be sufficiently inspirational.
5. It helps if you run around the house naked. But dont be a lesbian. Too edgy for the panel.
6. Do not ever utter the poison words: "I think I really rocked that photoshoot".
7. You need to be bitchy enough to be worth keeping around to see what your latest outrage will be, but not so bitchy that you will turn off the sponsors.
8. You should defecate Cover Girl Queen Collection.
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