Vampires of Iowa

I cant really write about politics on this blog, but I will share a funny commentary on the Iowa caucuses written by a friend: a fellow journalist who does NOT work for the same company I do, so his views do not reflect the opinions of my much-loved employer.

"the most interesting outcome is an obama win -- which puts the clintons in the position of having to spin iowa as not so important, or, conversely, to spin hillary as the hard-working underdog fighting against all the powerful forces that don't want REAL CHANGE (like bill in 92 in new hampshire).

in any event, seeing the clintons spin is what you want out of a presidential election year -- if you go to the zoo, you want to see them feed the tigers, if you go to an nba game, you wan to see slam dunks. if you watch an american presidential election you want to see the clintons spin like tops, telling white lies while clinging to a sliver of truth wrapped in false sincerity and laced with ruthless ambition and political triangulation.

i'm really curious to see how the clintons would spin an iowa loss.

it's like in a vampire movie, you drive the stake through the vampire's heart, and wave garlic over him, and lock him into a chest and throw him into the ocean, but you know the vampire's coming back. the movie's not over.

What they say: WE HAVE ALWAYS SAID THAT IOWA WOULD BE A VERY DIFFICULT STATE FOR SENATOR CLINTON. IOWA, AS YOU KNOW, HAS NEVER ELECTED A WOMAN TO STATEWIDE OFFICE OR SENT A WOMAN TO WASHINGTON. THE SENATOR KNEW THIS, AND AS YOU KNOW MANY OF HER CLOSEST ADVISORS URGED HER TO SKIP IOWA ENTIRELY BUT SHE FELT IT WAS ONLY FAIR TO THE PEOPLE OF IOWA TO GIVE THEM A CHANCE.
What they really mean: (THEY'RE SEXIST)

What they say: WE KNEW ALL ALONG THAT THIS WAS SENATOR OBAMA'S HOME TURF, AND THAT THESE PEOPLE HAVE BEEN WATCHING HIS POLITICAL ADS ON TELEVISION FOR A VERY LONG TIME, DATING BACK TO HIS DAYS IN THE ILLINOIS STATE SENATE. STILL, THE SENATOR FELT STRONGLY THAT IT WAS IMPORTANT TO RUN A FIFTY STATE CAMPAIGN.
What they really mean: (IOWA IS AN EXURB OF ILLINOIS)

What they say: MANY HAVE CRITICIZED THE IOWA CAUCUS SYSTEM AS AN ANTIQUATED VOTING METHOD THAT INTIMIDATES VOICES OF CHANGE, REDUCES PEOPLE'S CHANCES TO BE HEARD AND IS INCONSISTENT WITH OUR TRADITIONS OF DEMOCRACY. THE SENATOR STILL FELT IT WAS IMPORTANT TO COMPETE IN IOWA, AND SHE ENJOYED HER TIME SPENT WITH THE PEOPLE OF THAT STATE. BUT SHE IS REALLY EXCITED FOR THE REAL VOTING AND THE REAL DEMOCRACY TO BEGIN HERE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE.
What they really mean: (CAUCUSES ARE WEIRD)


What they say: A FEW THOUSAND IOWANS HAVE SPOKEN AND THEY SPOKE VERY CLEARLY TONIGHT IN THREE VOICES. I SALUTE SENATOR EDWARDS FOR HIS STRONG CAMPAIGN AND, YES, (PRETENDS TO TRY TO SILENCE THE BOOS) YES, PLEASE FOLKS, HE'S A DEMOCRAT TOO...
SENATOR OBAMA. MILLIONS OF AMERICANS WILL SPEAK IN THIS ELECTION AND WE ARE CONFIDENT THEY WILL ULTIMATELY SPEAK IN ONE VOICE AND MAKE HISTORY BY ELECTING SENATOR CLINTON.
What they really mean: (ABOUT ELEVEN PEOPLE VOTED AND IT WAS A THREE-WAY TIE)

What they say: WE'VE HAD A LOT OF FUN HERE IN IOWA AND YOU FOLKS HAVE SPOKEN AND AS FAR AS I CAN TELL YOU LIKE A LOT OF US DEMOCRATS! I'VE JUST BEEN TOLD ... WOW! ... I'VE JUST BEEN TOLD THAT I RECEIVED TWICE AS MANY CAUCUS VOTES AS THE LEADING REPUBLICAN!
What they really mean: (WE BEAT THE REPUBLICANS)

What they say: WELL FOLKS, I JUST PLACED A CONGRATULATORY PHONE CALL TO THE WINNER ... BUT OPRAH WINFREY WASN'T AVAILABLE TO TAKE MY CALL!!!!
What they really mean: (OBAMA WON) "