O!

From Leslie:

"Hey guys....I'm making my world premier on the Oprah show!
Tune in for a good laugh THIS Tuesday April 29th!
Weird.
Leslie"

Check it out!

Its not me, its you.

I know its a surprise, but I think it is time to break up. Yes, I am no longer in love with America's Next Top Model. It's not like I just figured out that whole thing is like watching a live feed of a lasik surgery: that's why I like the show! No, the mystery is gone. I've figured out all the tricks on the show and like Tyra said to the expellee this week, its like they have given up trying. So here are those evil tricks they play in case you or someone you love is ever a contestant on the show.

ANTM Rules and Regulations:

1. If Tyra asks you if you are sad, have a problem, or need help, SAY NO. She will use it against you.

2. If you describe yourself as a relatively well-adjusted person who doesnt like the "drama" in the house, you will lose. Do not admit that to anyone, especially your size 2 new BFF currently barfing in the one shared bathroom.

3. It helps if you randomly scream like a banshee every time someone says "TyraMail".

4. You have to have a backstory: were you homeless? a battered girlfriend? Mormon? All of these are acceptable and will allow you to be sufficiently inspirational.

5. It helps if you run around the house naked. But dont be a lesbian. Too edgy for the panel.

6. Do not ever utter the poison words: "I think I really rocked that photoshoot".

7. You need to be bitchy enough to be worth keeping around to see what your latest outrage will be, but not so bitchy that you will turn off the sponsors.

8. You should defecate Cover Girl Queen Collection.

Gratuitous cute pictures of Princess & PorkChop

They just get cuter...

Bear Bites Man

Only in LA moment...the lead last night on the local news:

"Famous movie bear kills a man! That story, next"

Like the bear was OJ or something.

Everybody likes spicy sausage balls!

I spent the weekend at my Mom's with the intention of making sausage for The Party. Sadly, or Fortuitously depending on your opinion, we were plagued with disasters from the word go. First the sausage machine we bought for the occasion was a piece of crap. Second, the old sausage machines were and continued to be crap and unusable. Third, Schulze the Sausage King gave us the wrong casings: sheep intestines instead of pig intestines (too thin). Being infinitely resourceful ladies, we decided to salvage what we could and make little cocktail meatballs out of the tasty sausage. Everyone likes meatballs, right?!

I also got a chance to try out New Sammy's Cowboy Bistro, which I had been curious about since I found out about it. According to some, it is one of best restaurants in the West. It is owned and run by a couple from SF - she used to work at Chez Panisse and he was a wine importer. They had a very well-regarded restaurant north of SF, but it crashed and burned rather spectacularly and they ran to Oregon with creditors and the IRS nipping at their heels. Now, NSCB is supposed to be a down-home French-style bistro where they grow most of the herbs and veg out back. Mom had a bad experience there some years ago (attitude!), so she has not been back. I finally convinced her to give it another shot.

Disappointing, in a word. My starter, grilled calamari stuffed w dungeness crab and rhubarb-kumquat relish, was boring and flavorless. I had lamb loin chops (gristly and tough) with blackmint risotto for my main. Both would have been ok if Mom had made them at home, but they were both expensive so I sort of hoped the dishes would get up off the plate and do a little dance for me. Mom and Victor ordered a goat cheese ravioli with wild leeks and served with a truffle flan. Except there was no truffle flan. Then the response when asked was "oh there was a miscommunication between me [the server] and the kitchen" - I file that response under "Your Problem/Not Mine". The answer in this situation is always "Sorry, how can I make you feel less like we just pulled a fast one on you". Anyway, by that time we were underwhelmed by the whole experience (although the suggested Cotes du Rhone with the lamb was fab) so we skipped dessert (! I know!) and toddled off. Ashland has much nicer comparably priced restaurants to put up with that drama. I shant be back.

On a separate note, some people have asked me about a friend of mine who is currently going through a bit of a tough time. He's ok. Thanks for asking.

Look out below!

Yep that's Victor on the stretcher and my mom kneeling. He was hit by a car this weekend while riding his bike. He's dented, but fine. You can read the whole story here. The silver lining, the newspaper thought he was 51!

My Unruly Brows

While receiving a pedicure today, the woman asked if I would like a eyebrow wax as well.

No. Thank you. I'm fine.

No. You're not. Your eyebrows are so long, they cover your eyes.

You be the judge.

I *heart* Jyoti

The Surge continues

No end in sight, indeed. If the Senate held hearings on my diet, then this is what they would say:

Gen David Petraeus: "Like Ambassador Crocker, I believe [Rachel's paunch] will require a long-term effort. There are no easy answers or quick solutions. And although we both believe this effort can succeed, it will take time."

Ryan Crocker, Amb to Iraq: "I do believe that [Rachel] has the will to tackle [her] pressing problems - although it will take longer than we originally anticipated because of the environment, [wine and chocolate], and the gravity of the issues before [her]."

Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz.: "Today it is possible to talk with real hope and optimism about the future of [Rachel's ass] and the outcome of her efforts there. For while the job of [making her ass smaller] is not finished, ...she's no longer staring into the abyss of defeat and we can now look ahead to the genuine prospect of [a trim ass]."

Sen. Barack Obama, D-Ill. : "The problem I have is if the definition of success is so high: no traces of [cellulite] and no possibility of reconstitution, a highly effective [workout program], Democratic multiethnic, multi-sectarian functioning [flat abs], ... then that portends the possibility of [her dieting] for 20 or 30 years. If, on the other hand, our criteria is a messy, sloppy [size 16] status quo but there's not, you know, huge outbreaks of [fried foods] ... that seems to me an achievable goal within a measurable timeframe."

Real Estate Porn

Iain calls Jane Austen "Rachel crack". I know. I know. But I just cant get enough. So of course I've been watching the Jane Austen stuff on PBS. This version of Sense & Sensibility is adapted by Andrew Davies who also did the BBC version of Pride & Predjudice. The funny thing that struck me about both is the real estate porn. In S&S, there's a sequence where Willoughby the Cad takes Marianne to the estate he will inherit from his aunt. She runs her hands lovingly along the bannisters and they run through the empty rooms. He's trying to seduce her by showing her his very large real estate portfolio (and it works). In P&P there's a scene where Elizabeth Bennett first sees Mr Darcy's estate and, in Davies' adaptation, literally thinks "wow that's a big house, maybe this guy isnt as bad as I thought..." I am not familiar enough with the original texts to know if Austen is that literal in the books, but obviously anyone living through the British real estate boom would recognize it in these adaptations.

Speaking of crack: Geekapalooza! Battlestar Galactica starts tonight!